discussion On Hold VN Ren'Py DAZ Daddy's Angel [v0.8.1b] [Gore Games]

[0bora]

well it is not bad ... it is super bad. it have nothing and it's sinking at all the subjects
there are some movies that are confusing and only at the end after 30min or one hour all pieces are connected and it make sense... but here need to wait weeks or months and the unhappy feeling stay at the end of the chapter/episode.
maybe is just me and yo guys like it like that
sorry Miss Gore but it is what it is

 

[iopq]

So that you know, this is my 2nd game, so obviously it won't be THAT good OR amazing, I try. As others have mentioned, yes, the story can be confusing with the writing, my vocabulary isn't great because I don't know any kind of posh/fancy words, it all comes from my tiny brain.

I personally haven't looked into it just because from the OP I can tell that it's an written from an ESL point.

I'd honestly maybe recommend transcripting through AI until you find something that provides a consistent style that also reads well.

 

[goregames]

I personally haven't looked into it just because from the OP I can tell that it's an written from an ESL point.

I'd honestly maybe recommend transcripting through AI until you find something that provides a consistent style that also reads well.

I'm native British English.

English is not my second language.

 

[kbakon]

Tried the game, cannot see why this is in the members+ section..?

 

[TacoThuesday]

I'm native British English.

English is not my second language.

Your renders are A++ but I can't follow your story. Let me be clear, I don't think it is because the story is bad. I think it is because it is not well written and really hard to follow or undertand what you mean. I really want to see you succeed as I think it has alot of potential to be great.
People here are so quick to judge and criticise but they don't realise how much time and dedication it takes to create a VN.
I fixed the first 18 slides to be way more engaging and understandable.

1.Felicia
He's over there, Jenny
Should be:
Jenny, he's over there! OR He's over there Jenny! - ALSO instead of using "over there", which is rarely used in video game since it doesn't describe anything. You could use something descriptive. She could say:
Jenny, he's behind the house! I am flanking right!
2. Felicia
I've got him, he's only one-shot!
Should be:
I got him, he's only 1 shot! OR something easier to understand for the average reader could be:
He is super low health, only 1 more shot to kill him!
3. Jenny
Ahh, he's got me!
Could be:
DAMN! He got me! I'm dead! --- HERE I would also add a 10-15 seconds audio clip of generic videogame gunshots on top of the music to increase the experience.
4. Felicia
Jesus, Jenny, you're terrible! -- It's okay but I would reduce the apostrophies. Here I would use:
Jesus Jenny! you are so bad!
5. Felicia
I've got 6 kills, you've got 1 so far --- again technically okay but it sound better if you say:
I've got 6 kills already and you only have 1!
6. Felicia
You've got to practice more! -- need to relax with the -- 've got -- You can say:
You are so awful at this game, you need to practice more!
7. Felicia
My god! Now we're both dead. -- it's okay but I would add like a AARRRGGGG!!!! at the end to show her frustration:
Great... Now we are both dead! AAARRRGGGG!!!
8. Felicia
YOU'RE SO BAD! --- Fine but I would say :
JENNY YOU ARE THE WORSE TEAMATE!!!
9. Jenny
I can say the same for you -- doesn't make sense. It should say:
GIRL, I can say the same about you.
10. Jenny
You're lying, you've got 3, not 6, I'm not bad. -- sentence makes no sence. Should say:
Also, stop lying! you got 3 kills, not 6. You're as bad as me!
11. Felicia
I'm done, I'm not playing with you anymore -- it's okay but i prefer:
I am done! I'm never playing with you again.
12. Dad
Felicia, it's time for school. -- It's okay but this sound better:
Felicia, are you ready? we are leaving for school in 10 minutes!
13. Dad's toughts
Wow, she's never changed, still beautiful as ever. --- doesn't make sense, Should be:
Wow, she has not changed, still beautiful has ever. --- but personally I do not like this line since it makes no sence to say that unless he hasn't seen her in a long time. I think his toughts would be better if it said:
**Wow, she is still as beautiful as ever... I can't stop looking at her.**
14. Felicia
Yes, dad -- okay
15. Felicia
I'll be done soon. --- If you go with the "we leave in 10 minutes" you could say:
I'll be ready soon.
16. Dad
That's good, still my beautiful daughter -- weird way to say that, I not really sure what you are trying to say here to be honest but maybe instead it should say:
Okay that's good. Never forget, you will always be MY beautiful daughter.
17. Dad
You can never change, okay? maybe say:
You can never change that, I won't let you.
18. Dad
Have a good day at school, sweetheart. -- fine but if they "leave in 10 minutes" he should say:
Okay, I will let you get ready, don't be too long.

Hopefully, someone with time will step up and fix your writing because, again, I think your game can be great, huge potential, beautiful girls and renders but right now it is just too confusing with the subpar writing. Cheers!

 

[goregames]

Hey LC community,

I have read your replies and reviews and upon further review; I have decided to rewrite everything up to Chapter 2 Part 1.

I may have not been more descriptive with what is happening in a scene, or with the characters, the narrator will appear often describing thoroughly.

Thanks for your comments and criticisms!

 

[JohnDough]

Hey LC community,

I have read your replies and reviews and upon further review; I have decided to rewrite everything up to Chapter 2 Part 1.

I may have not been more descriptive with what is happening in a scene, or with the characters, the narrator will appear often describing thoroughly.

Thanks for your comments and criticisms!

love the way you interact with the bleating community btw

 

[IndyJones]

Hey LC community,

I have read your replies and reviews and upon further review; I have decided to rewrite everything up to Chapter 2 Part 1.

I may have not been more descriptive with what is happening in a scene, or with the characters, the narrator will appear often describing thoroughly.

Thanks for your comments and criticisms!

A good dev will listen to criticism.

A great dev will sort the good criticism from the bad, and then implement the good into the game.

 

[Nemerof]

Hello,

The translation of the game is online on my page.

 

[fixn]

Hey LC community,

I have read your replies and reviews and upon further review; I have decided to rewrite everything up to Chapter 2 Part 1.

I may have not been more descriptive with what is happening in a scene, or with the characters, the narrator will appear often describing thoroughly.

Thanks for your comments and criticisms!

If you want any help pacing or plot related, i don't mind helping. Writing a story of any kind can be difficult the first few hundred times. I check scripts for a semi-living.

 

[gestved]

Name change? alright

 

[goregames]

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[Nemerof]

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Hello,
I can't wait for the sequel to be released so I can translate it and share it with the French community.
If you want the translation is available here

 

[goregames]

Hello,
I can't wait for the sequel to be released so I can translate it and share it with the French community.
If you want the translation is available here

It's not a sequel, the name has only been changed from Daddy's Girl to Daddy's Angel.

 

[Nemerof]

It's not a sequel, the name has only been changed from Daddy's Girl to Daddy's Angel.

OK, I'm sorry, but when I say "the sequel" I'm not talking about a sequel in the strict sense of the word, but an update, so I should have worded my sentence better.
in any case I love the story and the images are well done

 

[goregames]

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[SerjSerger]

This "creation" is an actual game, or what?
There are no plot, no decent renders and animations, no story-telling, there is nothing what you can title like a game. It's maybe pre alpha.
It's Just about 600 renders with random ppl with some barely coherent text.

 

[Staystrong]

Look it's great you want to make a VN, kudo's I've tried myself but my daz library always ends up corrupted by day 3 and i get frustrated, that being said, Most of the time when someone decides to SOLO a project its because they have had experience doing some or all parts of making a vn previously. Do you think that a comic book author does all the scene work themselves? The inking? The character design? No, No, and hell no. You need to either deligate some of the aspects of this to others or, now really try to understand I am being costructive in my critisism, Not everyone can world build. It's fucking hard to coherently world build effectively, most authors fucking blow donkey dick at doing this and keeping a storyline engaging and origional. So, unless you have at least college level literature skills and a minimum of id say 600+ hours of short story/script writing, delegate your script to someone who has the ability to make it coherent. Or honestly just plug the parts into chat gpt 4o and ask it to "Make this dialogue flow better and seem more natural" then plug in your text. Boom bam thank you ma'am. Works done for you. Work smart not hard ok? Hopefully you can use the tools that are available to you and we see this turn around because as it stands, take the lick in pride (I know, it can be hard to listen to the nay sayers and shit talkers, but keeping this VN as it is or close to it, will kill it) so yea take the lick in your pride, suck it up, use some tools, listen to the contructive critisisms, and the people who are offering help here and there. Vet the people who are going to help first too, you don't want your project leaked out there either. Cheers

 

[bobobarbarian]

I am not sure WTF is going on in this game but here is what I think I have seen so far.

Spoiler: The story so far!

A girl lives with her dad but her mom was kicked out for molesting her. The dad suddenly goes missing and only comes home occasionally at night to jerk of on his sleeping daughter. Oh and she sometimes sees him in trash cans or in bushes following her. The girl has a best friend who is stripping naked and confessing her love or yelling at the girl all the time. Then we see the mom is being held tied to a chair (for months?) by a woman that says she can't leave until a debt is payed but we never hear anything else about the debt. Then we go to the friends house and see that she is getting forced to lick her mom as punishment for hanging around the girl. Then we see the chick that is holding the girls mom hostage coming in to see the friends mom as she apologizes for something acting like a lover but the mom doesn't want her daughter to see her there for some reason. Then after months of being tied to a chair the mom is rescued by her sister who says nonchalantly, that to find her she just tracked the moms phone that was on the nightstand. Then they go to the aunt's house and get naked together and look in to each others eyes lovingly then go to sleep in the middle of a conversation and without ever talking about who, what, when, or why she was tied to a chair (continuously) for months. Then the hostage taker walks in and sees the empty chair in the middle of the room and looses her shit.

*FIN Well anyway it has some potential and some very cute smols........... and possibly a good story??? Not sure if it will ever be explained to us but I am sure its there somewhere.

 

[goregames]

I am not sure WTF is going on in this game but here is what I think I have seen so far.

Spoiler: The story so far!

A girl lives with her dad but her mom was kicked out for molesting her. The dad suddenly goes missing and only comes home occasionally at night to jerk of on his sleeping daughter. Oh and she sometimes sees him in trash cans or in bushes following her. The girl has a best friend who is stripping naked and confessing her love or yelling at the girl all the time. Then we see the mom is being held tied to a chair (for months?) by a woman that says she can't leave until a debt is payed but we never hear anything else about the debt. Then we go to the friends house and see that she is getting forced to lick her mom as punishment for hanging around the girl. Then we see the chick that is holding the girls mom hostage coming in to see the friends mom as she apologizes for something acting like a lover but the mom doesn't want her daughter to see her there for some reason. Then after months of being tied to a chair the mom is rescued by her sister who says nonchalantly, that to find her she just tracked the moms phone that was on the nightstand. Then they go to the aunt's house and get naked together and look in to each others eyes lovingly then go to sleep in the middle of a conversation and without ever talking about who, what, when, or why she was tied to a chair (continuously) for months. Then the hostage taker walks in and sees the empty chair in the middle of the room and looses her shit.

*FIN Well anyway it has some potential and some very cute smols........... and possibly a good story??? Not sure if it will ever be explained to us but I am sure its there somewhere.

It's not the best, it's my second game, If I ever made a 3rd (excluding Rayne's Reign: The Beginning coming here on September 24th)... if I had an idea for it (probably won't be better either).