3 Years of Service
Not a bad start. I do think minor revisions of some aspects would go a long way in adding depth and more emotion or realism to the story.
Not going to bother putting spoiler tags since this is more general commentary, so gloss over this post if you haven't played.
Before that though, a huge thing I would suggest is to update the description tp imply that the MC's sister has plans, since they are a key part of the story and unavoidable.
As for the suggestions:
Some added allusions to convey that P is innocent/experienced. (This might just be a 'me' issue but I see her model comes off as much older than the twins).
Some added *thoughts* for the Cindy character at the hotel, especially close to or during the scene. Would add a lot to the characters identity and you'd be more able to convey her level of naivety or deviousness.
I'd move the wife hallucination/vision further back a day or so to better line up with the night/dreaming cycle. Would at least be a little more smooth in terms of story. Possibly make it two parts where the first is less 'direct' and the second is more along the lines of what you have written already. It just comes off as a little strong as you have it now, since nothing has really happened before that point.
Not going to bother putting spoiler tags since this is more general commentary, so gloss over this post if you haven't played.
Before that though, a huge thing I would suggest is to update the description tp imply that the MC's sister has plans, since they are a key part of the story and unavoidable.
As for the suggestions:
Some added allusions to convey that P is innocent/experienced. (This might just be a 'me' issue but I see her model comes off as much older than the twins).
Some added *thoughts* for the Cindy character at the hotel, especially close to or during the scene. Would add a lot to the characters identity and you'd be more able to convey her level of naivety or deviousness.
I'd move the wife hallucination/vision further back a day or so to better line up with the night/dreaming cycle. Would at least be a little more smooth in terms of story. Possibly make it two parts where the first is less 'direct' and the second is more along the lines of what you have written already. It just comes off as a little strong as you have it now, since nothing has really happened before that point.
