1/3
3 Years of Service
It's not the best, it's my second game, If I ever made a 3rd (excluding Rayne's Reign: The Beginning coming here on September 24th)... if I had an idea for it (probably won't be better either).
Don't get me wrong, I like the game. But as Taco said above your prose needs work. That is completely normal for someone that is just starting to write stories of any kind. What you have as dialog so far in your VN is more of how an outline should be. Go over it a few times and add more text to it. You are probably thinking from the mind of one person while writing a scene and that's fine. but on each pass over it think from the mind of a different person in the scene until the dialog can be read as if it is an actual conversation that you are overhearing.