2 Years of Service
One of the best summations of porn watching I've heard for those needing post nut clarity, pre nut was from a popular sports radio talk show host. On his show he was using one of his oft and many life experience analogies to explain his take on some random sports event or story. I don't recall what he was comparing it to in the sports world, but he said, "It's like porn. After 5 minutes I'm like, "what am I doing?" and he moves off it to be productive again. Porn is a part of my life but it doesn't control my daily experience. Have I made fucked decisions when I am dying to get off? Yep, and those too help me try to do better. Don't drown in a cesspool of defeat and thinking your worthless, just keep getting back up. Never stop trying bro.sad! This always happens. I get depressed for some reason (chronic pain, mental illness, family stress) and end up reaching for the drug. masturbation with modern-day porn really is a drug of sorts. one of the most efficient and scalable if you think about it, overriding the brain circuits to pull the user into a haze of numbness, and it is completely free and has no real physical consequences and can be distributed to billions of users in milliseconds....
the long-term consequences for a proper addict can be severe as any hard drug with respect to brain development and incubating mental illness but it is swept under the rug because of the money this shit brings in. i always find it strange when I see the news talk about the ongoing economic crisis, or banning prediction market gambling as though it is some great big moral disaster when this other far bigger epidemic exists before us..... if people were betting away their lifesavings on the scale that gooners consume porn, they would no doubt call it a national emergency.
anyway thats irrelevant. maybe its a case of the boiling frog. the frog does not realize it is dying until it is too late. perhaps the regulations beginning to sprout across the world are an attempt of the frog trying to leap out of the pot. but i think it is too late indeed.
post nut clarity always jolts me back to a rational state of mind and i cant help but write my thoughts down every time this happens. i know in my bones that if i continue down this path i will kill myself. therefore i must beat the temptation to succumb to goonerism and do something with my life. its as obvious as water is wet but its hard to carry it out nonetheless.
even tho im on a loli site i dont actually give a fuck about loli, never did. the youngest id be into is something like 16-20 but only physically. in real life even a 25yo woman is barely mature enough mentally for me to be into her. i think i just use loli because the truly vanilla shit dont turn the brain circuits on so good as it used to. and loli is usually packaged with rape and insanity which is very stimulating indeed. it all comes down to stimulus of the circuits in the end.
im going to reset again for the Nth time now and hope this time will be bettttttter. its confusing because my life is going well, im gradually getting everything i ever wanted. but despite that, i am empty inside. i dont know why. i need to find something to fill that emptiness with. so far i have no found anything that does not quickly fall out and leave the hole gaping. its sad. why was i born? its not fair. why couldn't i be one of the lucky ones? its all worthless in the end. it all comes down to luck. everything else is noise. luck is the sole determinant of the major aspects of your life. i dont even pity myself anymore. i just feel disgust.
but it will subside. tomorrow will be a new day. then i will forget about this and move on. oh yes, i will move on and then eventuallly find myself back here. but maybe next time will be different? that is the only reason i have not killed myself yet. is because i cannot seem to force myself to drop the flashlight. the cave is dark. it is suffocating. i want to leave this place. i want to grow wings and fly out of here.
