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Shmutty

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Just something to pass the time while waiting for something else. I'll go first:
What's a snowman's favorite Mexican food?
a Burrrrrito
 
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Just something to pass the time while waiting for something else. I'll go first:
What's a snowman's favorite Mexican food?
a Burrrrrito
What's a cat's favorite Mexican Food
a Purrrrito.
 
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Just something to pass the time while waiting for something else. I'll go first:
What's a snowman's favorite Mexican food?
a Burrrrrito
What's a Podiatrist's favorite Mexican Food?
BurriTOES
 
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Just something to pass the time while waiting for something else. I'll go first:
What's a snowman's favorite Mexican food?
a Burrrrrito
What's a moderator's favorite Mexican Food?
BurriNOs
 
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Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
(I'm taking part in the war effort)
 
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Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them!
 
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field!
 
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I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug.
 
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Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts!
 
A man is driving down the road and his car starts to break down near a monastery. He curses for a bit and goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and tells the old monk who opened the door about his trouble.
"My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. A sound he cannot quite understand. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was The monks immediatly turn serios and tell him that they cannot tell him about the sound. It is a monk secret and since he is no monk, he is not permitted to know about it.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years pass and the man drives near the monastery once more. Coincidentally his car breaks down once more near the monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and once more fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but is once more told that they cannot tell him, since it is a monk secret. The man decides that it is a sign from god. he ended up at this monastery two times and both times he heard the sound that only monks were allowed to know about. He asked how he could become a monk and they answered him. He has to answer two questions. How many blades of grass are on earth? how many stones are on earth? The man nods and sets out in order to find out. Years later he returns. He is ready to join the monastery as a monk.
"How many blades of grass are there?" asked the abbot.
"As many as the lord wills." answers the man.
"How many stones are there?"
"As many as the lord things are right."
The abbot nods and the man is now officially a monk. He requests to know about the sound. The abbot takes an old key chain from one of his brothers and together they descend into the cellar. After a long walk they and upü before an old wooden door. The abbot opens it and the man steps inside. And then he finally sees what makes that mysterious sound.


Unfortunately I cannot tell you what it is because none of you are monks.
 
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Wife: "I bet you can't make me happy and mad at the same time."
Husband thinks for a bit.
Husband: "Your pussy is as tight and beautiful as our daughters'."
 
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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms. "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50

The second man thinks for a bit, then says, "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 300 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says, "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. The first guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty, wraps herself around his arm.

The second guy says, "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change, and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.

The third guy says, "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

The first guy does, and after a while, says, "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone, and his knees don't bother him anymore.

The second guy says, "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.

The third guy smiles triumphantly and says, "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later, they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

The first guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."

The second guy smiles and says, "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."

The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
 
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Why did the guitar player get arrested?
He got caught Fingering A Minor
 
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What US State performs the most vaginal lifts?

Cunt-tucky
 
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My life.

649px-Leonardo_DiCaprio_Laughing.jpg
 
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This User is on vacation. Response time may be delayed. Vacation to Dec 31, 2099.
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Jesus knocks on the woman's door.
Woman: "who's there?"
Jesus: "your lord and savior"
Woman: "what do you want?"
Jesus: "I'm here to save you, won't you please let me in?"
Woman: "save me from what?"
Jesus: "from what I'm gonna do to you if you don't let me in!"
 
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