Hi Esra.
I am so sorry to hear you're feeling trapped and unable to be your authentic self. Sometimes the pressures of family, friends, society can really limit us into being something we don't want to be. Depression, frustration, anxiety can all bubble up inside us when we aren't granted the freedom to be who we feel we are. Whilst I am not someone who has struggled with gender identity myself, I have worked with people who have struggled with all kinds of things in the past - gender/sexual identity just being a few. My honest advice is to talk. Talking about our feelings, and having someone genuinely listen, can be the best medicine out there. Just being heard can change things around. It won't cure problems, but it'll lessen the burden and make the struggle that little bit more bearable.
As
@Mingatelly suggested, finding your way into Trans circles would also help - hearing other peoples shared experiences. Reddit is a great place for such a community, there will be subreddits dedicated to all aspects of the Trans journey, from the uncertain first steps, all the way to the end. There are many, many supportive communities out there, and also charities that are often contactable by email (though this one depends where you live, and I understand you not sharing that).
If you ever want someone to talk to, feel free to DM me. I am often around and willing to listen to almost anything at all